Volunteering for the Missouri Military Memorial Foundation is something I love being a part of. It gives me the opportunity to say thank you to each military personnel who didn’t know my name (sans one: SGT Amanda Pinson; my cousin), who thought I was worthy enough to fight, let alone, die for. I’m humbled because of their bravery, dedication & spirit.
However, each time I have to add another name to the list of those who have made the ultimate sacrifice I am taken back to a time in my life that changed who I was…forever. I don’t want to make this about me, but what I want to do is give you some insight into how it feels to be initiated into a club that doesn’t want your membership, but not out of spite. We don’t want you in the Gold Star Family club because we know the immense amount of pain, sadness & grief that you are experiencing.
However, should you join, we will welcome you with open arms and hold you up when you’re feeling your most weak because we know it’s now that you need it the most.
We, Gold Star Families, often become upset when random people don’t acknowledge our loved ones sacrifice. You see, we are very aware that everyone has lost someone — it’s an unfortunate fact of life. I’ve lost several friends & family members, who I miss dearly, but I know that there is one, in particular, who loved me (and random strangers she had never even met) so much that she signed up to protect, fight and unfortunately died for.
I refuse to ever let my gratitude be deterred by lack of memory or appreciation. I made that vow on March 16th, 2006 and will continue it for as long as I live. In the meantime I, along with several others, are on a mission to ensure that when we are no longer a part of this world, that their memories are carried on for generations to come.
It’s not OUR sacrifice that we want you to remember. We aren’t looking for sympathy. It’s their sacrifice that is the numero uno factor here. They died for you. They died for me. We feel that honoring them, in a manner in which they deserve, is the very least that we can do.
I’m going to take you back 5 1/2 years ago to when I lost my cousin. It’s an inside perspective of raw emotion.
All I ask, in return, is that you please not forget. Knowing they are remembered eases the pain a little bit more each time as it’s all that we have left to know that their sacrifice is truly, without a doubt, appreciated.
Written on March 27th, 2006
About Amanda…
Current mood:sad
I can honestly sit here and say that my life has been affected, for the better, after the last 2 days. I have never felt so much pride and grief before; all because of my cousin, 21 year old Sgt. Amanda Nicole Pinson.
On Friday, our family arrived at the Funeral home around 1pm. We walked into the Chapel, holding each other up, like families should. Our family is an extended, close-knit family. We are there for each other in our times of need, to celebrate, every Holiday, etc. etc. My Aunt Chris (Amanda’s Mother) was first, as expected with her son Bryan by her side. When we turned to go through the Chapel doors, there lay her casket draped in a beautiful American flag, before us. There were so many flowers, everywhere. I couldn’t believe the vass array of them spread around the room; not to mention…the entire funeral home. Beautiful music played in the background. We wept, all of us, in unison as we surrounded her casket. Our daughter, grand-daughter, sister, neice, cousin; she had paid the ultimate sacrifice to protect us. To protect others. Strangers she would never meet. She was the epitome of an American Solider.
At 2pm the doors were open to friends. From the moment they opened, there was a steady line from the front of the funeral home straight to her. It was amazing. I have never seen so many people at a visitation in my entire life. They estimated 900+. The Honor Guard stood by her casket, with a guard change every 15 minutes or so. It was so beautiful. They would walk in, standing tall, salute her then take the position. Tears formed in my eyes every time. My Aunt Chris did not leave Amanda once – not once – the entire evening. She sat in a chair next to her, and hugged or shook hands with each person who came to pay their final respects to her beautiful Daughter. Someone donated over 20 pizza’s for us, and our guests that evening. St. Louis County Police Officers were in full force protecting people who crossed Lemay Ferry to visit; each of them came inside, before their shift, to pay their respects, as well. The evening was immensly emotional.
Amanda’s Aunt Joyce, on her Fathers side, gave each of a glass heart with an angel inside and the word, “Strength” engraved on the back for something to hold whenever we would feel weak. I believe we each now have a heart permenantly etched inside our palms now. We clutched them so frequently & so tight throughout the evening. Thank you, Aunt Joyce, you know we love & appreciate you.
Visitation hours were over at 9pm, but we (family) didn’t end up leaving until around 10pm. Before we left, we each said our goodbyes as we knew the next day we wouldn’t have the time as the Army had everything on a tight schedule. Apperantly, Jefferson Barracks doesn’t bury anyone on a Saturday or Sunday, but they did bury Amanda for us on Saturday via special permission only. However, we had to have it all done by noon, on Saturday… which left us very little time to say our final goodbyes. We left that evening, once again, as a family.
The next morning we (family) were told to arrive early as they were concerned there would be no parking spots. They expected attendance to be high – extremely high. They were right. I arrived at approximately 8:45am, 1hr 15 minutes before the service was to begin and the parking lot was already getting full. The Chapel was designated for family only. They had to open other rooms up & have people watch the service on Television, via a camera they had set up in the Chapel. The place was full, people standing anywhere they could find a spot.
As my family & I sat in the Chapel around 9:30 am Saturday morning, we heard the roar of distant thunder. We looked at each other and felt this sense of comfort; the Patriot Guards (https://www.patriotguard.org) had arrived! My cousin, Stephanie & I, wanted to go see them. They are a group of motorcyclist (and some vehicles) who wave American Flags on the back of their bikes that attend funeral services of soldiers; to protect them from the infamous Rev. Fred Phelps & co of Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, KS. He believes it is God’s punishment for a soldier to die because our country accepts homosexuality. I won’t say much more other than to say he is obviously sincerely mentally disturbed, and so is his entire family for having such pitiful beliefs. The PGR rev their engines above his non-sense so families don’t hear the filth sputtering from his lips. He holds up signs that read, “Thank God for dead soldiers”, and many more. Please check out the PGR’s website – our family has come to love, admire and respect them beyond belief.
Stephanie & I didn’t see much at first as they had drove around the back of the building. So, we went back inside and only a few moments later I noticed my Uncles Dave & Jeff leading my Aunt Chris – who mind you did not leave Amanda’s side for ANYTHING or ANYONE prior to this – outside so she could personally thank them for attending in Amanda’s honor. To muster up the strength to do that should speak volumes to any & everyone. Shortly afterwards, my cousins Stephanie, Stacy and her husband Shaun (also a Sgt. in the US Army) went outside because we were told that the PGR had gotten off their bikes and lined up outside waving their flags as a sign of respect for our cousin, Sgt. Amanda N. Pinson. We stood there, the four of us, arms interlocked crying because it meant so very much to us that they were there.
My cousin, Bryan’s girlfriend Tara, then sought me out to tell me that they were asking for me specifically. I had written them a thank you note, on their website, for coming to the service just a few days before. From I understand it meant a lot to them and they wanted to say thank you & introduce their State Captain, Lee. What a nice guy he was. You could truly tell he cared (as well as the rest of the Riders). I introduced myself to him, and extended my hand. When I saw tears form in his eyes I kindly responded, “Forget a handshake, give me a hug”. He clutched on and sobbed. All I remember thinking is, “He didn’t know Amanda. He didn’t know me. He didn’t know my family. Yet he cries for her & he cries for us.” Amazing. All of them were. I shook hands with a few of them and let them know that if I had enough time, I would gladly shake each of their hands, but the service was soon to start and I needed to be in there. So, back into the funeral home I went to take my seat. 2 minutes later, the service had begun.
A lady, from the US Army spoke first. I was in such a daze I don’t remember who she was, but I do remember what she said. She read excerpts from letters that Amanda’s unit had wrote about her; they were beautiful. Each one said the same thing. Things we obviously knew already, about the kind of person she was, but it was so good to hear each of them. One of them even had us laughing at one point. The US Army clergy spoke for a while, and then Amazing Grace was sung & played on the organ; it was quite beautiful. Amanda was then given 4 medals; one of which was the purple heart. We cried during each one. The Superintendent of Amanda’s old high school (Hancock) spoke, as well as the Missouri State Rep and a friend of hers from high school. Each one, every word spoke volumes. Then “American Soldier”, by Toby Keith, was played. All you could hear, around the Funeral home were tears being shed; it was powerful. The clergy wrapped things up by saying a few last words and then silence.
Out of no where, we heard the Honor Guard marching in. It was then that I knew it was time to see her go on her last ride. They carried her casket to the hearse as we followed behind them. We got in our respective vehicles and what was about to happen next made my heart fill with love…
As we pulled out of the Funeral Homes parking lot (Hoffmeister on Lemay Ferry – we LOVE you & thank you for doing such a wonderful job), police officers saluted, PGR got in the procession per our request, but tons of people – everyday people – lined the streets with flags waving in air, hands over hearts and signs that read things like, “Amanda you are our hero”, “Amanda Pinson we love you”, etc. etc. etc. I have never seen anything like it. It lasted all the way to Jefferson Barracks Cemetary. There’s more before I get to that though.
My Aunt Chris doesn’t live too far from the Funeral home, so the Funeral home director asked her if she would like to take Amanda home one last time. So, the ENTIRE procession of at least 3 miles in length drove down their street. The hearse stopped momentarily, in front of the house, as if they were letting Amanda say goodbye. It was moving, touching. Once again…powerful. Then we proceeded towards Jefferson Barracks again. More ppl, more signs, more flags – more emotion. I couldn’t stop crying. Who were all these strangers paying such respect to my cousin? I knew WHY they were, but I was so impressed, in awe of the honor being shown to her that I couldn’t hold back the tears.
When we turned on Sheridan, the street that leads to JB, there was a single firetruck with a big American flag hanging from it’s ladder. The Firemen were standing at attention along with a few police officers. When we reached the entrance to JB, there were 2 fire trucks, with the biggest American Flag I have EVER seen hanging from their EXTENDED ladders. Once again, the firemen & more police officers standing at attention. We had to drive under that flag in order to enter JB – beauty.
It took everyone who was in the procession to reach where we were at a full 30 minutes because there were SO many in attendance. It was impressive to watch. So heart warming, honestly. Once majority were present, the Clergy read again. When he was done, the Honor Guard stepped up and did their 21 gun salute, taps & it was time to fold the flag that was so elequently draped across her casket. I don’t know why, but when it was raised to reveal her casket by itself, there was a hush across the Barracks. It took them about 10 minutes to fold the flag correctly; I’m going to assume 6 Honor Guards got in some trouble after the service unfortunately. However, when they were done, they proudly handed the flag to my Aunt as a token of appreciation for Sgt. Amanda Pinson, her Daughter.
When they were done, the Honor Guard carried her casket to her burial site. Now, let me add that we didn’t know that once the headstone is uncovered that they must bury her right then & there. I don’t know why, but that’s how it is. So, when they asked my Aunt if she would like them to uncover the headstone (it was covered by a US Flag), she agreed.
At that same time, they began to lower her into her grave. I have never witnessed this, with all the funerals I have attended, in my 32 years. Once she was lowered, the placed the conceret slab over her casket. At that time, we decided we had seen enough. We each went to the edge and said goodbye again; it didn’t get any easier any time we said it. As we were driving away, they were filling the hole with dirt. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust I thought to myself. I couldn’t believe she was gone. Another solider in a mass amount of white headstones that consumed the Barracks.
I never imagined her being buried there. I never imagined she would be gone before me. I never imagined she would die the way she did. It just is what it is & the cold reality of it was – it had to be accepted as nothing in this entire world would change that on March 16th, (3 days before her Mothers birthday), my cousin Sgt. Amanda Nicole Pinson, gave her life as a mortar bomb detonated 6 feet from her as she waited for a shuttle to take her to the mess hall for lunch along with Spc Carlos Gonzalez who was also killed in this attack.
When she was 6 years old she made me a heart shaped from pipe cleaners. This heart was not red, nor pink. This heart was red, white & blue. I still have that heart & I will always keep it – especially now. It’s almost as if she knew her destiny. She was a soldier long before she knew the United States Army even existed.
Some things have happened since we buried her yesterday that have touched my heart, beyond what I have already been feeling by the love, respect, honor & compassion that even complete strangers have bestowed upon her & my family…
Her Brother, Bryan, was given her dog tags. We have another cousin, Shaun – Sgt. Shaun Lee, in fact – departing for Iraq (again) in October. Bryan gave him one of Amanda’s dog tags & said, “I know she would want you to have this & I know she will protect you while you’re there.”. 17, and he’s just like his sister – so full of love.
Bryan was given a bear by the VFW, outfitted in US Army camoflauge, with Pinson stitched on the front right; equipped with faux dog tags. He was told if he felt the need to hug her, to hold it close. He didn’t let it go for hours – not even sure he has let it go at this point. Some may be thinking – a 17 year old with a bear? No, this is a 17 year old who just lost his Sister in a way that is hard to accept. I think it’s absolutely beautiful; all of us do.
The VFW gave my Aunt Chris mock dog tags that have Amandas picture etched on to them in front, and her DOB and DOD along with her name, etched in back.
In addition, the last time I saw Amanda (shortly before she departed for Iraq) she told me how sad it made her that she would miss my Daughter, Alexis, walking. Yesterday, when I came home from her burial – Alexis walked on her own & is now walking all over the place. It’s almost as if Alexis waited until she Amanda came home, was put to rest, so she could say, “Look at me, Amanda, I’m walking – you didn’t miss it after all”.
I love you, Mandy. You have always made so proud, even before you became a hero. You shined your entire lifetime and I know a lesson, or 10, will be learned from you giving your life to keep all of us safe & leading the life you led. I may have been 11 years older, but I respected you long before you became a solider. You made me so damn proud & even after death, you continue to fill my heart with pride. I’ll miss you so very much, but know that no matter what – no matter the years that may pass by – you will never, ever be forgotten.
“And I will always do my duty no matter what the price
I’ve counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice
Oh and I don’t want to die for you, but if dyin’s asked of me
I’ll bear that cross with honor, cause freedom don’t come free.”Sgt. Amanda Nicole Pinson
07.31.1984 – 03.16.2006
