Jenntality

My name is Jennifer…and I’m a co-dependent.

Growing up, I went through things that were hard to deal with…and accept. I grew into a teenager with attitude and self-pity about all I had endured. The chip on my shoulder was fierce and determined. I wanted to fault everyone I knew for ‘allowing’ those things to happen to me. I see teen years as the worst episode of a psychological transference that you’ll ever experience.

Fortunately, I grew up.

I realized that no amount of attitude was going to change what was done, decisions/actions made by others that I felt I was left to either deal with on my own or the way I felt I had no one to talk to about it and be able to work through. Those issues lingered and the inability to talk about it just allowed them to fester. It was like poking a sleeping lion. Eventually, it was going to roar.

I realized that I had to own my role in those situations. That’s not an easy thing to do because it places humility on a silver platter and forces you to swallow  it whole; nothing swallowed whole is easily digested. I wanted to get to the root of the problem so I could be happier and LIVE my life. To find myself. A “who am I?” mentality, if you will.

It took a very painful life experience to wake me up. I was forced to look in the mirror and see myself. I wasn’t the tough girl with an attitude… I was the weak girl with an attitude as a cover. It was the only way I knew to protect myself from being hurt.

I’ve made great strides over the years (and yes, I’m proud of myself!), but I will always be a work in progress.

Years later, it still seems like life likes to throw life lessons in my direction just to test how far I’ve come. Sometimes I feel that teenager wanting to force her way back out again and just let ‘er rip, but the 40 year old in me talks her down.

I always find it interesting that most (not all) people with chips on their shoulders are some of the nicest and most loyal people you’ll ever know. They’ve just been hurt, beaten down and haven’t found the way to rise back up again because they feel like nobody cares. I get it, I’ve been there…and it hurts.

That reminds me of an old client of mine at a rehab that I used to work at. She was fresh out of prison and had what we dubbed “prison mentality”. I’m not intimidated by much, but there were times I wasn’t sure if she was going to throw the first punch or not. I walked on eggshells around her for the first week.

However, the more we talked (I love communication!) the more I learned that she had gone through very similar things that I did. The most ironic part? She told me, “So you have an attitude, you’ve been through the same things as me for the most part, and yet you never succumbed to alcohol, drugs or crime like I did.  Maybe you’re stronger than you think…”

It was the first time someone told me that I was dealing with things better than I could have and didn’t make me feel guilty about how I had been dealing with it. I felt guilty about my bad attitude for years.

That conversation still goes through my head and I haven’t seen her in over 15 years. I respected her – she respected me. I saw the good in her just like I knew she had in me. She ended up making a life change and became a counselor for those with alcoholism and drug addiction. If she could change her life that drastically — no one else had an excuse; including me. Ironically she credited me for helping her become a better person because I was the first person to show her absolute respect and believe in her. I wish I could tell her now, “You did the same for me” Unfortunately I didn’t realize just how much of an impact she had on my life until years later.

People that have been through rough times tend to keep to themselves; it’s a self-preservation technique. In the realm of keeping things honest, I still do it. Even today, I’m cautious about who I let in my life. It’s not as ‘bad’ as it was before, as I feel the older I’ve become, the better I’ve gotten about who I let in.

But every once in a while, I’m thrown for a loop. There are people who I consider a ‘safe list’ – those I can trust not to hurt me, to communicate with me (because I am a firm believer that communication can solve 90% of all problems) and know that no problem is too big to overcome.

I believe that — not everyone does. A few people who were on my “safe list” have caused me emotional pain and for absolutely no other reason than they’re own perception; not truth — perception. And the hardest thing about it is, is my complete inability to make any sense out of it because no matter how hard I try to make sense of it – it doesn’t make any.  None. It’s actually absurd from where I stand.

It doesn’t bother me much anymore — in fact, I feel pretty indifferent about it these days. I have my “new norm”. I learned to let go and move on, and the only thing that bothers me about it at all is the fact that… it still doesn’t make sense. It’s almost comedic, almost, but there’s nothing funny about how those people have treated me in the process. I forgave them, but I’ll never forget. It’s no longer my bag to carry.

In the meantime I’m in the process of dealing with another situation that has hurt me deeply. It’s been a long process…one of which I am slowly learning to accept and let go of.

That’s where my co-dependency comes into play. Years ago, I was essentially given a diagnosis for caring too much about people I love and told to stop because I was enabling their behavior. Talk about a tough pill to swallow!

Most co-dependents are those who enable alcoholics & drug addicts. Narcissistic people are also drawn to co-dependents. They need the co-dependent to stroke/enable their ego (their addiction), to confirm that their behavior is perfectly acceptable, much like the alcoholic/drug addict needs a co-dependent to enable their chemical addiction.

Co-dependents, who aren’t aware of their co-dependency and actively working on it, will do whatever it takes to please the person they’re enabling. They’re often left feeling emotionally drained, unappreciated, taken for granted, etc., but use the rare “gratitude” being bestowed upon them (from the person taking advantage of them) as some sort of odd definition of love and/or convince themselves that the person they’re enabling somehow needs them to take care of them – emotionally, physically and even financially.

So, with my new diagnosis, I had to work on finding the middle ground of caring, but realizing when enough was enough and learning to stop giving so much of myself when it was being taken for granted, used or expected.

When something rears it’s ugly head and makes me realize that this could be my co-dependency “acting up” I have to stop, analyze the situation and process how I’m going to handle it (force myself not to care so much) for my own sanity’s sake. It’s a fun game; note the sarcasm.

So here I am having to deal with that…again; frustrating. I wish I had a switch that I could just turn off and stop myself from giving a shit (pardon the french), but I have to work my way through it; it’s like working a 12 step program (i.e. AA, NA)

In a co-dependent’s perfect world, everyone would treat each other with respect, love and compassion.

Someone once told me, “I hear all co-dependents go to heaven”. I had to laugh. “Yeah?” I replied, “Is it the inability to completely stop giving a crap about people who aren’t so deserving of it? Or the ‘why can’t everyone just be good to each other’ mantra?” He stopped me, looked me right in my eyes and said, “It’s for our desire of always wanting the world to be what we picture it to be with our rose-colored glasses on, and never stop giving up the hope that it will be while not losing ourselves in the process. With how the world is today, it looks like heaven is our happy ending”

At least there’s some hope.

My name is Jennifer…and I’m a co-dependent.